Muslims getting heated online…? Oh please, how often does THAT happen?!

Times were much simpler a couple of decades ago, weren’t they? Back when you’d collect hundreds of those free AOL trial CDs and pop them in, listen to the ear-grating internet dial tone for half an hour, and then wait eons for a simple website to load while making sincere dua that your mom or dad don’t pick up the phone. Back then the internet was something new and exciting- Muslims had yet to discover its near endless virtual pastures, and as such, we actually had a lot more free time back then.

What kids nowadays think Muslim life was like before the internet existed.

Yes kids, its true! Life for Muslims somehow miraculously existed before Al Gore “invented” the internet. We had to painstakingly look stuff up in things called “books” and get our daily news from archaic scriptures known as “newspapers.” Oh and the debate over whether music was permissible or not? Trust me, you’d declare music a crime against the ummah too if you ever saw someone walking around wearing this laughable ancient device:

If you actually know what this is, then you’re old.

With the advent of the internet, you and I can now summon thousands of links and resources to a near bottomless trove of sites in a matter of seconds, and then share that information with hundreds of others in just a few minutes. Communication between us is lightning fast, and people can reach one another in ways that we didn’t even think was possible a decade ago.

But the age-old rule still stands true- wherever there are Muslims hanging around, there are bound to be Muslims arguing over ridiculous things. And not surprisingly, the internet is now the new boxing ring for our new generation of Shaykh Googles and Mufti Wikipedias to profess their scholarly expertise and argue with one another with far more advanced tools of divisiveness, or as they say nowadays according to modern cyber tajweed: “trolling.”

You don’t have to look far to find young internet scholars debating over beard lengths, or berating “less practicing” or “less educated” brothers and sisters over eating nacho cheese Doritos or watching TV shows, or even finding Muslims spending hours viciously arguing back and forth over trivial things.

It’s a shame that such incredible tools of spreading knowledge and building enlightening discussions such as Islamic Forums, Message Boards, group E-mail threads, Twitter feeds, and Youtube comment threads instead descend into embarrassing hotbeds of heated fights and countless hours of wasted time. And of all these online mediums, the biggest culprit of all is Facebook.

So how does it all go down, you ask? Surprisingly, it’s quite predictable:  

You know you’ve seen that. And you know it doesn’t end well. But boy, is it entertaining to watch.

Most Facebook arguments usually begin over something innocuous, like posting up a status about your favorite food and having the conversation continue until someone unknowingly posts something about eating pop-tarts, and out comes a fiery Muslim with a quick mouse-click trigger prowling the internet looking for a good opportunity to stroke the mighty beard of morality.

But who are the characters behind these arguments? Haha, that’s a great question, and I’m glad I asked it of myself. Take out a pen and notepad, my friends, and keep a sharp eye out for these tell-tale signs of a good old storm:

THE INSTIGATOR

THE JUNIOR INTERNET SCHOLAR

THE DRAMA QUEEN GOSSIPER

THE CYNICAL CRITICIZER

THAT ONE JUDGMENTAL GUY

Spotting trouble online early on and avoiding it, diffusing it, or negating it is only part of the solution, but it doesn’t completely solve the disease we have as judgmental, gossipy, and argumentative folk. Espousing proper Islamic manners of disagreement, etiquette of mutual respect and understanding, and patience with those we don’t see eye to eye with is a prophetic legacy that applies even to our online lives, just as much as it does to our dealings in person.

“I guarantee a house in Jannah (Paradise) for one who gives up arguing, even if he is in the right; and I guarantee a house in the middle of Jannah for one who abandons lying even for the sake of fun; and I guarantee a house in the highest part of Jannah for one who has good manners.” [Prophet Muhammad ﷺ - reported by Imam Abu Dawud]

The internet may have completely revolutionized the way we interact with one another, but it certainly didn’t change the way we’re taught to conduct ourselves as Muslims. And above all else, it’s always best to ask yourself if the hours you spend arguing with other people online is truly worth giving up your house in the wondrous Eternal Gardens of our Lord.

Yup, just a typical Friday afternoon at the local Masjid Parking Lot

Back in the olden days, it was a much simpler time.

Every Friday morning would be a bright and wondrous journey to the local Masjid for Muslims, all of whom would strap on their worn-out footwear and proudly travel by foot- and with every step they’d take, such a profound blessing would be levied upon them.

As communities grew and expanded outward, Muslims found themselves too far from the masjid to simply walk there, and out of necessity they began to develop cutting-edge technological advancements in transportation.

Due to perpetual stereotyping, Muslims began researching alternate forms of transportation, and began to utilize actual machines instead of animal-based modes of transport. Their dear love for animals, however, was still incorporated into their usual travel habits:

Ahmed decided to hitch a ride with Musa to Eid Salaah on Eid-ul-Adha. In hindsight, Ahmed probably should’ve stayed home.

But then history took an unexpected turn, and suddenly… Muslims discovered the car. An oil-powered motorized carriage that soon became a dream come true for everyone, especially lazy Muslims who lived miles away.

But shortly after this discovery, the widespread use of the car had untold implications on the historic and iconic journey to the Masjid for Jummah, and a vicious disease known as Masjid Parking Syndrome began to spread through the entire ummah faster than acute-onset Bieber Fever spreading through hormonally-repressed pre-teen girls.

Masjid Parking Syndrome (MPS): a long-term chronic disease of the Muslim body whereupon automobile driving and parking skills rapidly deteriorate when attempting to travel to and park near an Islamic facility.

A classic example of the disease presentation is shown below:

Masjid Parking Syndrome is an extremely widespread disease, found to be contagious amongst entire Muslim communities who reside in areas of the world where cars are the primary mode of transportation.

The disease is mainly found in suburban masajid with small parking lots, but is compounded to horrific levels in inner-city masajid, where every Friday afternoon the very city streets fall prey to a swarm of parking space-hungry Muslims hunting for a spot to show off their cringe-worthy “gracefulness” at parallel parking:

Nothing says “dawah” quite like bumper dents and paint scratches.

Now, we know what you’re thinking- “how do I know if I’m at risk for developing this disease?!” Well, if you’re already driving your car with the same level of coordination as a blind-folded giraffe wearing roller-skates, then being at risk for parking ridiculously at the Masjid is probably the least of your worries.

But if you consider yourself a decent driver, then Muslim Medicine has compiled a few risk factor charts that may come in handy for you.

As you can see, the bigger the attendance level, the fewer the parking spot availabilities, and the more desperate Muslim drivers get. And if you think that’s bad? One of the biggest risk factors is tardiness. Muslims are almost always perpetually late to pretty much everything, and Jummah is no exception:

The actual symptoms of Masjid Parking Disorder are fairly easy to catch. You simply show up for Jummah or Eid Salaah and you should almost naturally be welcomed by horrific scenes of the worst parking jobs imaginable. As we noted clearly above, the later you arrive to the Masjid, the more extreme the parking symptoms become:

While the disease is not fatal to the patient, it is extremely harmful to surrounding bystanders, damaging to other vehicles, and profoundly irritating to all other Masjid attendees who are tortured by constant interruptions from the Masjid Board members:

“Brothers and Sisters, there is an important announcement. Please listen. There is a car blocking people outside, a silver 1996 Honda Accord, smells strongly of chicken tikka masala, and the license plate says 2HOT4KUFI. Whoever the owner is, please move your car.”

How do you even treat a disease this deeply rooted in our community? Unfortunately… no complete cure currently exists for Masjid Parking Syndrome. Some Muslim physicians have suggested prevention as the best form of halting the spread of this syndrome, and have gone so far as to even start patients on more natural treatment regiments that return us to our roots, such as riding camels to Jummah:

Masjid Parking – OLD SCHOOL STYLE

The treatment seemed to go well at first, but the reaction of the camels, however, was rather unexpected:

AH-HAHAHA! JOKES ON YOU, HUMANS! EVEN US CAMELS DRIVE TO JUMMAH!

Prevention is always the best means of treatment, and for this rather unfortunate affliction in our community, a reminder of the sheer brilliance of the blessings showered upon those who arrive early to Jummah is brought to mind:

Abu Hurayrah (ra) that the Messenger of Allah (saws) said: “Whoever does ghusl on Friday like ghusl for janaabah, then goes to the prayer (in the first hour, i.e., early), it is as if he sacrificed a camel. Whoever goes in the second hour, it is as if he sacrificed a cow; whoever goes in the third hour, it is as if he sacrificed a horned ram; whoever goes in the fourth hour, it is as if he sacrificed a hen; and whoever goes in the fifth hour it is as if he offered an egg. When the imam comes out, the angels come to listen to the khutbah.” Al-Bukhaari (814) and Muslim (850)

Jummah isn’t an event that suddenly pops out of nowhere for us, so it’s best to prepare for it in advance every week to take full advantage of its blessings, and avoid the usual rush of Muslims arriving late for it and resorting to parking violations just to attend. Also, it’s pretty obvious that the jummah rush takes a huge toll on the patience of the neighbors surrounding the masjid, and proper adab for a Muslim community is to follow the example of the Rasul (saws) and respect the property and space of neighbors to the House of Allah (swt).

Parking may seem like something trivial to most Muslims, but Islam places such a big emphasis on the manner and timing of our arrival to jummah, so we should pay the same respect to that too. Follow in the footsteps of our great sahabahs and our Prophet (saws), and park a little farther from the Masjid to reap the rewards of every step taken towards His House.

For centuries since the dawn of the first Islamic events, numerous scholars and leaders (if by numerous you mean none) have intensely debated over the underlying psychology that governs why Muslims choose to go and attend events when the age-old alternative of just staying at home and doing nothing seems so appealing.

What is it that motivates Muslims to venture out of their own homes, dorms, or bathrooms for a few hours every so often to go and join a group of local Muslims to sit and listen to another Muslim who was invited and paid to speak by a bunch of other Muslims? Such a question may seem daunting, due to the fact that we worded it in such a ridiculous manner, but don’t let that distract you from the underlying mystery of the Muslim psyche.

Our Medical Research Division – proudly flinging poop in the name of science

Through the efforts of our highly trained, cutting-edge, and illegally-funded Medical Research Division, Muslim Medicine proudly stands at the forefront of breakthroughs in Muslim psychological research. If anyone even DARES to say that our research findings are completely unfounded, not based in any real scientific process, and that a bunch of chimpanzees locked in a library can’t possibly produce anything even remotely intelligible by even the lowest standards of human scientific achievement- well… …that’s obviously true, but for the sake of this article’s argument let’s just assume all that is completely wrong and that our findings are unquestionably believable.

That’s right- even President Obama’s willing to hear us out

The extensive data that we’re presenting here has been painstakingly collected from Masjids, high schools, college MSAs, and Facebook event pages from all around my own imagination, so it represents an accurate portrayal of real data. We here at Muslim Medicine hope that these findings revolutionize the way we approach the very foundations of how we plan Islamic events, or at least offer you a rare look into the motivating factors behind why Muslims attend events.

1   UNDERSTAND AUDIENCE DEMOGRAPHICS

One of the most important indicators for the attendance levels of an Islamic Event is the intended audience. From small bratty kids bubbling with annoying youthful energy and vigor to old Masjid uncles who don’t really have anything else to do at the time, Muslim events can cater to any sort of audience at any age. So to help breakdown the common garden-variety attendees, we’ve provided demographic-specific data below:

Kids- they’re so adorable and full of potential! But put a whole bunch of them together in a room for more than 15 minutes and you’ve got yourself a crowd that’s crazier than a bunch of Egyptians rioting at Tahrir Square. Sure, as a faithful parent you might be thinking to yourself, “that Masjid event next weekend on the inner machinations of usool-ul-Hadith sounds perfect for my 6 year old!” but don’t fool yourself.

The bane of a child’s happiness is the dreaded Islamic Event-the palpable terror and horrid fear that engulfs their eyes and facial expressions when the words “get ready, we’re going to an event at the Masjid” is said to them is testament to how much they “love” Islamic events. And to sit quietly and behave for hours on end in a boring lecture where some big bearded man is shouting at the audience about stuff you don’t even know or care about sounds like a prison for little kids.

5 out of 5 kids are afflicted with boredom at one point in their childhood.

Kids… the only cure for acute-onset-Islamic-event-boredom is a large IV-dose of Pokemon. Parents, have some sort of Pokemon toy or game handy when your child begins exhibiting symptoms of anaphylactic boredom after 5 minutes of attending an Islamic event. Trust us, you’ll save their life.

Ah, teenagers. It must be difficult finding time to attend Islamic events, what with all that hormonal angst and constant declarations of “my parents just don’t understand me.” It’s okay. We understand. Attending Islamic events for typical teenagers is all about socializing and hanging out- so if their friends are all going, well then they better go too, otherwise they’ll be geeky losers and they’ll be ugly and no one will like them. So take note, event organizers! As long as your event is considered “cool” and has Bruno Mars or Taylor Lautner a guest speaker, you’ll pretty much get every teenager to attend.

College students are perhaps the most coveted demographic for Islamic event attendance, since they represent the very lifeline of college MSAs, and are at a highly malleable stage in their lives where they’re “discovering” themselves by picking majors based on careers they’re forced to go into by their parents.

MSA events aren’t just social gatherings that give students a break from coursework, college stress, and dumb drama- they serve as the golden gateway to matrimony, since they offer an opportunity for creepers and stalkers to freely scan a crowd for potential spouses, under the guise of “look how halal I am, attending an MSA event on a topic that I cannot remember at the moment!” But for all of the non-creepers and non-stalkers who aren’t marriage-obsessed in college, MSA events offer an essential element that truly appeals to poor, starving, deprived college students… …the allure of free food.

Real footage of college students following the conclusion of an MSA event

Recent research findings indicate that free MSA event food is able to sustain a typical college student for an average period of 3 days, and if an event attendee is lucky enough to steal extra helpings or take leftovers back to his or her dorm, they’ll be able to sustain themselves for an entire week until they’re left scouring for the next MSA event.

Unlike their younger counterparts, Muslim adults are much easier to figure out when it comes to gauging their event attendance. If there’s no attendance fee required, if the food is free, and if it’s a really engaging well-known speaker being invited, you can always count on them to attend an Islamic event when its convenient for them and they’re in the mood to leave their house. Convenience FTW!

The rarest Islamic event attendee of all is the non-Muslim. Unlike any of the other Muslim demographics displayed above, the non-Muslim attendee typically has genuine reasons for coming, whether it be through the goading of a Muslim best friend, or through their own curiosity to find out more about Islam. Due to the rarity of their appearances, they often receive awkward stares and are subjected to uncomfortable gawking by the rest of the attendees. Most of the time they’re mistaken for the AV-Tech repairman, food deliveryman, or the building janitor.

Generally, Muslims do find it rather odd that non-Muslims take such great interest in the actual Islamic lecture- it’s almost shocking that their primary intention isn’t to eat food, which in many regards can be considered insulting to the event organizers. Our Research Division is still in the process of studying these elusive creatures, and we’re hoping to discover more about these attendees as data is compiled.

2  ALWAYS SERVE FREE FOOD

Of all the logistical aspects of an event to consider, this is the sacred golden rule of all Islamic event organizing. You can plan an event with no point, no structure, no program, no invited guest speaker, and put in almost no effort- but so long as you have good food served for free, you’ll attract hordes of Muslims.

Just picture it this way- an event with no food served is really just a difficult endurance test of patience that offers no special tangible reward at the end for having survived an entire Islamic lecture. What is there to look forward to at the end of a lecture or discussion?! Spiritual development, stronger imaan, increased Islamic knowledge, and a powerful take-home lesson on how you can apply what you’ve learned to better yourself, your family, and your community? LOL NO. Who does that?! It’s all about the delicious free food, baby.

See, it’s proven by research. Ask any Muslim you know- when it comes to motivating our community to attend Islamic events, food is the gold standard.

3   DON’T CHARGE ANY MONEY 

It’s no mystery- Muslims are frugal people. We don’t like spending money, unless it’s on food or on ridiculously expensive weddings to try and impress people who will probably complain about it anyway. And if there’s one thing we’ll haggle and fight for, it’s free attendance at Islamic events.

I mean come on. Paying $5 to fall asleep listening to a guest speaker whose lectures I can just ignore on Youtube for free?! What are you, nuts?! No thanks, bro. I’d rather spend my money on something more immediately gratifying, like a couple of candy bars from a vending machine, or paying to download an iPhone app that prays Fajr for me.

$10 to attend?! What do I look like, a stereotypical billionaire Arab oil baron?!

It’s proven fact that the more expensive your admission fee is, the fewer people will attend. So as an organizer, the best way to collect revenue from your attendees to break even for the event costs is to first invite everyone in the room under the guise that the event is “free,” then wait until you reach a decent turnout- and then slam all the exits shut and lock them so no one can escape. Once you’ve trapped all your guests, have the speaker start a fundraising event- because everyone knows that the least enjoyable Islamic events of all are awkward and annoying fundraisers.

4  MAKE THE EVENT TOPIC & SPEAKER APPEALING

The last and final major factor that dictates Muslim event attendance is the topic and speaker of the event itself. While this factor may not be as powerful as the sultry allure of delicious food nor the wonderfully inviting notion of not having to pay for anything, it still makes a significant impact in its own right.

Let’s take a pop quiz, guys:

Are you guys ready?

You’re probably really confident about the answer you picked. The correct answer is A, due to the sheer hilarity of that event and the well-known “reputation” of the invited speaker. If you picked B, you’re probably never going to get married, and if you picked C, you seriously have no life.

Yeah, yeah, we know this is your reaction to the pop quiz results.

But anyways, what about all of you who picked D? You folks are still on the right track. For some odd reason, love and marriage seems to be the #1 most popular Islamic topic ever, which either means that we as a community need to get a grip on our hormones, or that marriage itself is something so ridiculously difficult to accomplish that we need a million lectures a year re-explaining how it happens and why we should do it. 

The best Islamic events are those that directly appeal to what the vast majority of Muslims within a broad age range are dealing with, and to have a well-known celebrity speaker presenting it is icing on the cake. But it’s a shame when even the best Islamic topics are ruined by monotone anesthesia-inducing speakers, or butchered by fiery, crazy, controversial nutjobs. Basically the rule of thumb when it comes to Muslim speakers is the following:

To answer what’s on your minds- yes sisters, us guys really do get jealous at young single popular speakers, and we strongly prefer that you attend events with old cranky hairy shaykhs.

5   TRY TO PURIFY YOUR INTENTIONS

Whether you attend an Islamic event to please your parents, engorge on food, save on paying for dinner, hang out with friends, scope out suitable prospects on the other side of the divider, drool at the speaker, or to just give a good excuse to get out of your house- ultimately all of these events are intended for the sole purpose of reminding you of your Lord and your eventual goal in life. So no matter what your motivating factors are for going to an Islamic event, do your very best to make your main primary intention to seek the pleasure of Allah (swt).

And no matter what you walk out of that event with, you can always rest easy knowing that you were in a gathering of Muslims blessed by the presence of angels and insha’Allah smiled upon by our Creator.

I don’t know why I’m not deeply bothered enough by death… …emails can come in announcing janazahs for people I’ve never heard of, Masjid announcements are made about folks back home in the old countries who have passed away, and of course the constant news reports coming in detailing scores of people losing their lives due to natural disasters, starvation, murder, war, and oppression.

I’d usually hide behind behind my utterance of “inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi rajioon” and use that as my personal consolation to distance myself- it didn’t happen to anyone I know, so I can safely detach myself emotionally from news of other people’s deaths and just offer a typical generic dua before going back to my usual business, right?

It sounds heartless and shameless to admit to something like that- in our society death is something so trivialized and diminutive that its nearly desensitized us from realizing the sheer gravity of it. But that’s blaming society for something that my own heart should be trembling about.

Allah (swt), through His immaculate wisdom and infinite mercy, made me a witness to someone’s death- He placed me only a few feet away to see with my own eyes what someone’s last moments were like, and to this very moment I can never forget what I saw that day.

I was shadowing an Intensive Care Unit physician during one of my summer hospital internships a few years ago. The ICU was busy as always, but it had a much heavier atmosphere than what I was used to in the Emergency Department. The patients here weren’t typical emergency cases- these people were in a league of disease severity far above those of the rest of the hospital. Only the most critically dire and immediately life-threatening cases were sent here to the ICU to be stabilized, so it was a rather eye-opening experience for me to see it all for the first time.

The ICU only had a few beds, but in each room there was a patient strapped up and hooked to a monstrous mechanical collection of automatic pumps, IV drips, monitors, screens, and all sorts of gadgets and machines. You couldn’t hear anything in the ICU except for the muffled shuffling of doctors and nurses, and the synchronous beeps of the EKG heart monitors.

The patients were mostly old men and women- frail, sickly, and motionless save for the slow rhythmic heaving of their chests as the intubation tubes placed down their throats pumped air directly into their lungs. It was painful seeing them in such a state- just by looking at their feeble weak bodies you could tell that they were completely at the mercy of the machines and IV drips that were sustaining their stabilized conditions. You didn’t need a medical degree to know that they were teetering on the edge of death and the next heart attack or lung failure would offer no guarantee of survival.

For the doctors it was a matter of extending life for as long as possible- death was imminent, but their job of providing stability by any means at this critical point would serve as the last defense against the patient completely submitting to their condition. The doctors and nurses were lively and talkative- for me it was a stomach-churning exhibit of human fragility near the end of our lives, but for the ICU staff it was just a typical morning.

It was during the usual ICU rounds that the physician I was shadowing introduced me to one of his patients. She was a Haitian lady; I remember her being somewhere in her late 70s, but she was one of the better stabilized patients who thankfully wasn’t intubated. She was a jolly and talkative woman, a rather fresh breath of air given the state of the rest of the ICU patients, and she only spoke Haitian, which wasn’t an issue since the physician I was with was Haitian as well. I couldn’t understand a word she was saying, but she shared a few laughs with the doctor and had a bright ambiance about her that brought much needed cheer to the dreary ICU.

I asked the doctor about her after we left her room- she was a proud single mother of 10 children, most of whom grew up to take jobs as nurses, PAs, and hospital technicians right around the area. Despite her current condition, she was deeply religious and considered her disease a trial from God that she had to overcome. The doctor said she was faring much better relative to the other patients, and that her positive outlook was certainly instrumental in her determination to recover sufficiently enough to leave the ICU. I found her to be quite a remarkably strong-willed person, and I had the doctor agree to take me to meet her again the very next day.

I was running a bit late the next morning and walked into the ICU about 10 minutes after 8 AM, only to be met with a “Code Red” emergency declaration- one of the ICU patients was experiencing heart failure and every available staff member was called to assist. I rushed alongside one of the nurses, following a blaze of white coats headed for one of the patient rooms. I trailed the nurse into the familiar patient room and when I got my first glimpse of the Code Red case… …my heart sank.

It was the Hatian mother- sprawled out on her bed as her EKG went wild, screeching out a siren of beeps warning of her erratic heartbeat. I was pushed to the side as one of the doctors entered, and I pressed my back up against the wall and watched as the ICU team went quickly to work attempting to stabilize her.

The Hatian doctor barked out quick orders to everyone- he had a team of respiratory therapists take turns performing chest pumps on her as he yelled at a nearby nurse to prepare an epinephrine injection to boost her falling heart-rate. He quickly injected her and waited a moment to see if there was any effect. Nothing. Her EKG was wailing and her heart clearly wasn’t returning to normal.

He instructed the respiratory therapists to stop pumping as he charged the defibrillator. Quickly removing her gown from the way, he shouted “CLEAR!” and pressed the charges to her chest. Her entire body heaved ferociously and dropped back onto the bed. Everyone in the room glanced with bated breath at her EKG to see if it had worked.

It didn’t.

It was at that point that my throat became dry and my knees buckled. I swear to you, I remember so clearly how deeply I was gripped by tension and fear- my whole body froze and I could only look on in horror as she rapidly deteriorated right in front of me. My heart was pounding and my stomach was turning over the sight of her. She was dying- her heart was failing and she was quickly dying right in front of me.

The doctor motioned for the respiratory therapists to continue their chest pumps- with each pump her body heaved and the EKG showed an erratic spike. Another epinephrine shot was administered, this one having a stronger dosage than the last. I felt helpless watching the entire team rush about her- I was so useless, just a silent observer standing there frozen- watching her fight for her life.

Nothing was working on her, and her time was running out fast.

The doctor grabbed the defibrillator again and charged it. He yelled at the respiratory therapists to get out of the way and pressed the charges against her chest, shouting “CLEAR!” as the shock-wave passed through her, heaving her body upward again and dropping her back onto the bed. Her EKG showed so sign of stability.

I remember making dua for her at that point. She wasn’t even Muslim- I knew she wasn’t Muslim, but I didn’t want to see her die. I repeatedly made dua to Allah (swt) to save her, and I whispered it to myself while still clinging to whatever hope I had left that she’d somehow miraculously survive this.

The doctor asked the nurse to prepare another epinephrine injection. He stuck her again with the syringe as the respiratory therapists kept pumping away at her chest. Again, she showed no positive response at all to his attempts, and her time was nearly up.

I looked on in horror as the rest of the ICU staff in the room fell silent. Her EKG monitor flatlined- the long unending beep of the EKG was the only sound in the room, a morbid signal that her heart had finally given up the battle and succumbed to death.

One of the respiratory therapists was still pumping away at her chest- he was still trying in vain, despite the undeniable truth that her heart would never again beat. The doctor motioned at him to stop. “That’s enough,” he said solemnly, “I’m calling it.”

The time was 8:25 AM. In the span of just 15 minutes that Haitain mother lost her life, and I was a witness to her death.

It’s different. It’s truly different. You can watch people die in movies and TV shows, see footage of warzones or disaster-struck areas, and attend funeral proceedings, but that’s not really witnessing death. This was the first time in my life that I saw someone actually die- maybe I was too sheltered growing up, or maybe I still held on to a child-like naivete that seeing death was something I was tough enough to handle. But you truly don’t understand how scary it is until you see it happen right in front of you.

I remember slowly making my way to one of the nursing stations and sitting down. I needed time to compose myself so I could gather my thoughts on what I just saw. I don’t know how much time passed- maybe it was another 20 minutes or so, but I remember feeling like I was frozen in time. Things finally snapped back for me when I heard the ICU doors opening again.

They shuffled in slowly and silently. One by one, her children began to enter the ICU- it’s true, they were all middle-aged people, and a few of them were wearing scrubs. I didn’t want to look at their faces- I couldn’t. But the doctor was called to another part of the emergency department, and seeing me sitting in the corner, they must’ve mistaken me as one of the staff members.

One of the daughters walked up to me, and I remember tensing up when she approached. She didn’t ask me if I was a doctor, or if I was in charge of her mother’s care. Maybe she knew just by the look on my face. With tears in her eyes she asked me, “how did she go?”

I told her that her mother truly fought hard to survive, and that the ICU staff did everything they could to try and save her. I apologized to her and offered her my deepest condolences. She stayed silent, but nodded her head.

She led her siblings into her mother’s room, and despite sitting further down the hall I closed my eyes and looked away. I wish I could’ve covered my ears… but I heard their wailing. Their sobs. Their crying echoed into the hallway and one of the nurses closed the door. But you could still hear their muffled grief.

That was too much for me. It was too much. Seeing her die shook me to the core, but seeing her children react to her passing just tore at my very soul. I couldn’t be there any longer- I got up and left the ICU in a hurry and rushed to the hospital lobby to compose myself again. I couldn’t stop thinking about her. About her kids. About everything that just happened. It was a swirl of sympathy and uneasiness that penetrated my heart and just wouldn’t let go.

I remember calling my mom from the hospital lobby. Maybe she remembers this conversation better than I do, but I remember just repeating to her that I love her and asking her to forgive me. Of course she felt worried; when your eldest son calls you and just repeats in a shaky voice that he loves you, what parent wouldn’t feel that something was seriously wrong- she told me she loved me too, and kept asking me to tell her what was wrong and to explain what happened.

I told her what I saw, what I experienced, what I heard, and what it did to me. It felt better to tell her everything. It always does. And I just remember her assuaging me and rebuilding my resolve to focus myself and place my faith in Allah (swt). You really can’t ask for more love and understanding than that. Mommy, I love you- I always have and always will.

To this day, I haven’t forgotten that Haitian mother and her kids. It still bothers me, and even as I write this I only need to close my eyes to see her again on that ICU bed. I didn’t know her at all- I saw her talking to the doctor for 3 or 4 minutes, and I knew nothing about her aside from the few words the doctor shared with me about her background. But her death still shook me so badly that I can’t forget it.

Even now, I can’t help but think to myself- what if that was my mom in that bed, strapped to those wires and machines? What if that was her final battle to survive her disease- and that I would be the one shuffling into the ICU moments later to find that one of my doors to Jannah would forever be sealed? It hurts to think that- it hurts so much, and I’d never want that to happen- but I’m sure the children of that Haitian mother felt the same about her before she left them. May Allah (swt) protect and preserve my mother and have mercy upon her.

It takes a profession like medicine to show you just how fragile and precious our health and our life is, and it takes a deen like Islam to show you how best to appreciate a gift like that by always being grateful. Every single life on this Earth is precious- every heartbeat and breath of air a priceless blessing, and every morning that we rise is a testament to Allah (swt)’s mercy.

When you receive that e-mail announcing some stranger’s janazah, or when that announcement is made that so-and-so has passed away, or when you read or hear that droves of nameless faceless people have lost their lives- don’t turn your head away, rationalize your thoughts, and emotionally detach yourself from it. We’re Muslims, and every death that we hear of or know of is a chilling reminder to us, so don’t cower and hide- give due respect and acknowledgment to it.

When we say “inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi rajioon,” we should say it with sincerity and genuine passion- we owe it to the one whom Allah (swt) has taken back… …and truthfully, that’s how I would want “inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi rajioon” to be said by others when that time finally strikes for me.

كُلُّ نَفْسٍ ذَائِقَةُ الْمَوْتِ ۗ وَنَبْلُوكُمْ بِالشَّرِّ وَالْخَيْرِ فِتْنَةً ۖ وَإِلَيْنَا تُرْجَعُونَ

“Every soul shall have a taste of death: and We test you by evil and by good by way of trial: to Us you must return.” [Surah Al-Anbiyaa: 35]

Welcome to the Online Clinic, where the patient complaints are fake and our doctors’ medical degrees are even faker. Muslim Medicine is proud to offer a HIPPA-violating public medical consultation for its very first patient, who just so happens to be a sister!

Sister “Deeply Concerned” writes:

Dr. O, I’ve developed a condition that I’m concerned about. It seems that no matter what, I always seem to have a hijab on. I take one off, and there’s another one, and underneath that is another one. Does this happen with boys and their topis as well?

Thank you for your submission, Sr. Concerned!

Before I offer my opinion on your condition, I do want to let you know that I have extensive experience with hijabs, niqabs, jilbabs, burqabs, and kababs. While some might consider a grown man checking himself out in a mirror while wearing headdresses disturbing and haram, I prefer to think of it as clinical research. There’s a serious lack of scientific inquiry into the field of hijab-related pathology, but we here at Muslim Medicine are making great strides in advancing obscure treatment modalities for sisters such as yourself.

The symptoms you’re describing are classic for what we in the health profession like to call “hyperactive hijab growth syndrome.” Don’t be alarmed, it’s really not as bad as it sounds, especially since we just made it up. You see, with regards to outwardly expressions of Islamic modesty, sisters specifically have hijab and brothers respectively have their beards. In the same manner that brothers’ beards grow naturally on their own, recent research findings have demonstrated that the same natural growth parallel is also found in sisters’ hijabs as well.

According to the research study, which was compiled solely by men who have no female family members, a vast majority of sisters are never seen without their hijabs on, and the men in that study never witnessed them actually putting it on or taking it off- a clear observation that is shockingly similar to that of our own manly facial hair. Therefore, it can only logically be concluded that sisters must naturally grow their head-coverings, just like our beards. And the condition you’ve described here, Sr. Concerned, is obviously a hyperactive form of this growth.

In the same way that a man’s beard grows to enormously ridiculous levels if left alone for decades, so too is the case for sisters’ hijabs. Like air conditioner filters, hijabs should be replaced at least once a month, otherwise sisters may run the risk of developing hyperactive hijab growth symptoms. The following diagram offers a breakdown of the symptomatic stages of hyperactive hijab growth:

Sisters (and creepy brothers who wear hijab), there’s no need to fear Hyperactive Hijab Growth Syndrome- unless you’ve already reached Stage 3, in which case I’d recommend a good travel agent to Egypt. I hear the pyramids there are always looking to hire new mummies.

The treatment for Hyperactive Hijab Growth in either Stage 1 or Stage 2 is rather straightforward, but must be performed by a licensed female surgeon (I personally wouldn’t recommend going to unlicensed female surgeons)- it requires delicate but precise surgical removal of the hijab, making sure that all traces of the fabric are removed. Another hijab will still appear underneath, but this one can be manually removed with ease and replaced by one of your own hijabs, thus leading to a full recovery.

It’s always medically sound advice to take good care of yourself by monitoring your own health closely! The best kind of medicine is always preventative- and in that regard, the best way to prevent Hyperactive Hijab Growth is to make sure that you consistently replace your hijab, and never wear a single hijab continuously for longer than 2 weeks without ever taking it off to clean or replace it.

Another highly suggested medical recommendation I’d make for sisters afflicted with Stage 1 of this condition is to continuously keep taking your hijabs off- just as Sr. Concerned discovered, another one will appear on your head regardless, so keep taking them off until you amass a sizeable collection, and then feel free to sell them to make a nice profit.

To answer your question about brothers’ topis- men usually never wash their hats, it’s somewhat of an unwritten code of manliness that we must strictly adhere to. But we don’t run the same risk of developing Hyperactive Topi Growth because that just sounds ridiculous and no one would take that kind of syndrome seriously. Hyperactive Beard Growth, however, is another story…

Oh and by the way, just in case you were wondering…

Sister Barbie turned out just fine.

Interested in having your submission be a part of Muslim Medicine’s Online Clinic series? Be sure to check out our Online Clinic Welcome page by clicking HERE to learn how! We look forward to treating you soon!

Put smiles on our children by giving them gifts they’ll love and treasure forever!

Did you ever stop to wonder what it would be like if Muslim families could also celebrate Christmas and Hanukkah? Of course you didn’t- that’s haram, and you’d get slapped by your parents if you ever suggested it. Muslims have a profoundly intimate holiday meant just for ourselves- a spectacularly grand culmination of an entire month’s worth of fasting, prayer, devotion, fasting, worship, remembrance, fasting, charity, self-reflection, fasting, and fasting. We have something no other faith has, and that’s the blessed day of Eid-ul-Fitr. Now if we could just get a day off from work and/or school to enjoy it, that would be fantastic, but hey, we’ll settle for cutting school and calling out sick from work to have a day of merriment, festivity, and busting a groove like this brother here:

Ahhhh. Eid-ul-Fitr. A day of tremendous joy and unparalleled happiness that marks the conclusion of Ramadan with memorable golden moments of heavenly songs, ecstatic dances, loud fanfare, triple-awkward hugging of random people at the masjid, heartfelt family reunions, gift-giving to all your loved ones, and bitterly vicious fighting in your community over when to actually sight the moon and announce it while subsequently declaring others who don’t follow your sighting as deviant. This, my friends, is the unparalleled joy of Eid-ul-Fitr.

Or as young Abdullah from Dubai remembers it:

Ya3nni, last year for ’3id, baba told me he bought me an imborted Lamborghini. I thought to myself, “a new car?! For ’3id?! Wallahi?!” I was so excited- but it turned out to be a Hot Wheels toy he bought from some beoble in Amrika. Wallahi I was very disappointed. Next year, insha’Allah, I will get a Lamborghini and a wife for ’3id… …you’ll see, ya3nni, next year…”

Of all the Eid festivities, what everyone looks forward to the most isn’t gorging on food mid-day to celebrate the fact that the word “lunch” has finally returned our vocabulary (and to your stomach) for the rest of the year, nor is it the notion that the sins you commit now can totally go back to being blamed on Shaitan. What everyone (kids most of all) always look forward to year after year are the EID GIFTS. There’s nothing like the feeling of being a giddy little schoolgirl waiting in agonizing anticipation for the moment you rip open a mysteriously wrapped box to reveal a glittering prize that validates your entire childhood (or child-like adulthood for you weirdos out there).

When’s the last time an Eid gift made you react like THIS?!

Without a doubt, gift-giving is one of the major highlights of Eid and it solidifies the bonds of love we have for one another, because nothing says love like an envelope of Eid money with your name on it. But that’s where the stress comes in. The hours upon hours spent racing through malls, toy stores, online catalogs, Wal-mart’s discount sale section, and if you’re really desperate- your own closet, all in search of suitable Eid gifts for everyone on your list. Gift-giving is a highly-refined and deeply intricate art, and fortunately for you, we here at Muslim Medicine are self-certified faqihs in the fiqh of Eid-gifting (don’t ask your local imam about this- just trust us that this is a legitimate field of fiqh). So if you haven’t gone Eid shopping already, then pay close attention! Muslim Medicine’s here to show you the tips and tricks that’ll make your Eid gifts unforgettable this year.

1   FIND OUT WHAT YOUR RECIPIENT WANTS

This is perhaps the single most important aspect of Eid shopping. The best Eid gift givers are the ones who tailor each gift to fit the likes of each recipient. Everyone apparently likes money, which is why giving cash or gift cards for Eid is easy- but offering actual gifts that people secretly want is probably the greatest feeling of joy you could give them.

So this is your chance to be a super secret agent, and find out as much intel about your recipient as possible. Planning on giving an Eid gift to your sister this year? Wait till she leaves the house and then rummage through her room without her permission to find clues about things she may want- trust us, when you get her a life-size cardboard cutout wall-hanging of that creepy Edward Cullen guy she keeps secretly confessing about in her diary, she’ll “LOVE” you for it, and wish you the happiest Eid Mubarak she’s ever given you.

Same for your other loved ones or friends- snoop around and try to figure out what kinda stuff they’ve been asking about lately- and no matter what you do, NEVER EVER directly ask them what they want for Eid because then that ruins the surprise, makes them feel selfish and awkward, makes you look desperate, ruins the entire mood of Eid, undermines the sanctity of the family, and decays the moral standing of our ummah.

Using common household furniture as a perfect disguise, you can overhear all sorts of conversations to find out EXACTLY what your family wants for Eid, without them ever catching on to you.

Figuring out what your recipient wants is the key to making them absolutely love and forever cherish the gift you get them for Eid. Now I know what you’re all thinking- “hey Muslim Medicine, this sounds an awful lot like spying on my family, and that’s totally haram, not to mention an outright invasion of their privacy.” That’s a valid point, masha’Allah. So uhhh…

2  HAVE MERCY ON YOUR WALLET OR PURSE

Yeah, we know the feeling of despair that grows in your stomach as you peer at your massive list of family members- if you get an Eid gift for one niece or nephew… …you pretty much have to get a gift for all of them or risk enough political strife and social revolution to spark an Egyptian Revolution in your own living room. Some families have come up with a cost-friendly solution for that- which is to have a tradition of just not giving gifts.

That’s right- it’s all cute smiles and giggles until you tell them there’s no Eid gifts.

Giving Eid gifts isn’t about being a billionaire philanthropist, nor trying to be a magical Muslim Santa Claus attempting to grant the deepest wishes of all your family members by silently breaking into their homes the night before Eid and placing gifts underneath their prayer rugs. It’s the niyyah that counts, and its the genuine goodwill and love that really matters in the end. Sure, little kids never see it that way and will totally call you lame and hate you for giving them lousy gifts, but that’s nothing a few slaps and angry Islamic lectures about respecting elders can’t fix. So don’t spend ridiculous amounts of money on your gifts- give from your means, and if you want to spend a little more to show a little more love- then hey, go for it.

But keep in mind that kids nowadays have a pretty sharp memory, and they’ll usually come to expect bigger and better Eid gifts year after year. Snot-nosed ungrateful little whiners- I mean, masha’Allah, such lovable little angels, the light of our eyes and the joy of our hearts.

3  DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT GIFTS     

Hey kids! Wanna play a really fun Islamic game?

Done yet? …No? Then take your time! There’s no rush. It really doesn’t take a Grand Mufti to figure this puzzle out… just make sure you solve the Eid Gift Matchup Game before reading onwards, though- it’d be pretty sad if you had to resort to cheating on a game meant for 6 year olds. Alrighty then! Have you got your answers in your head? Hold on to your wudu- we’re about to blow your mind.

So then! You just helped out Little Fatima, didn’t you? Masha’Allah, you’re such a sweet person! But you’re totally wrong. You gave the frying pan to mommy (shame on you, brothers), the beard trimmer to daddy, Super Street Fighter 4 to Billal, My Little Pony for Little Fatima, and then you probably got really confused between the gifts left for baby Aaliyah and Spiderman. But see… you used stereotypes and assumptions to guide your gift-selection, and you didn’t use your skills of Eid Gifting in-between the lines.

You see about 4 years ago, Mommy made a delicious egg omelet for breakfast, and after trying it, Daddy carelessly commented by saying, “it tastes okay.” Since that day, Mommy has never forgotten that hurtful comment, and this year for Eid she’s getting Daddy a frying pan so that he can feel the frustration of frying food and not being appreciated for it. Mommy bribed Fatimah by offering her a My Little Pony toy for Eid if she kept quiet about Mommy’s secret plan. Billal, now reaching that awkward age of puberty, has started to grow a small itchy mustache, and Daddy’s getting him a beard trimming kit for Eid to celebrate his entry into manhood. While shopping at Toys R Us for a Tickle Me Elmo meant for baby Aaliyah, Daddy comes across the video game aisle and spots Super Street Fighter 4- knowing how much his wife loves fighting games, he decides to buy the game for her. And now we’re left with Spiderman. And all Spiderman has ever wanted for Eid all these lonely years is to finally cuddle up with his primary care physician Doctor Octopus and watch his favorite episodes of Dora the Explorer.

Take a lesson from this exercise, friends. Eid-ul-Fitr is serious business. Don’t make assumptions about Eid Gifts.

4  MAKE SURE YOUR EID GIFTS DON’T OFFEND

Yeah, we know what you’re thinking- “This is Eid-ul-Fitr, for crying out loud! How could giving an Eid Gift ever be a bad thing?!” First of all, stop crying out loud- it’s Eid. Why are you crying, anyway? Man up. Second of all, Muslims are pioneers in the field of stinging criticism, and even something as universally wonderful as Eid Gifts can become a means of making subtle commentary.

Suddenly Karim didn’t feel so excited about getting Eid gifts from his wife anymore

Sometimes the choices you make for Eid gifts may backfire, and land you in serious trouble, or worse- may jeopardize your health and well-being.

Layla gave her brother an Eid gift in return: a free trip to the Hospital

The evidence is clear, and the consequences are dire, friends. Giving Eid gifts is a lot like using superhuman powers- you must always use them for the forces of good, and never succumb to using them for evil. Don’t let Shaitan help you choose your Eid Gifts- he’s got pretty terrible taste.

5  BE GRATEFUL

So your aunt gives you pants that don’t really fit you, your best friend gives you a pack of diapers as a joke, and your mom gets you a cute Pokemon t-shirt despite the fact that you’re 25 years old. Sometimes Eid gifts aren’t exactly what you expect, nor what you’re hoping to get at all. But the point is to always remember that these gifts, no matter they may be, are always given out of love for you, and anything that you receive (or don’t receive) is from the mercy and bounties of Allah (swt).

Keep in mind that not getting your XBOX Kinect this year or getting just $10 from your grandmother is not something you should ever complain about or throw tantrums over. Every gift, regardless of how small or grand it is, is a blessing that deserves your respect and thankfulness. If you’ve got the means, try to give something back that either matches the gifts you’ve received, or goes above and beyond it. That’s true love right there.

And above all else, remember your brothers and sisters abroad whose Eid celebrations are far from joyous, and anything but happy. They may not have grand celebrations, epic feasts, expensive gifts, or glittering Eid clothes- but their happiness on that day means just as much as yours, and truth be told… …they really do deserve and desperately need that glimmer of joy more than we do. So don’t just keep them in mind- keep them in your hearts as well.

To all of our readers, fans, passerbys, and to everyone else who isn’t reading this- on behalf of the entire Muslim Medicine staff, Eid Mubarak!

For all of the deeds that you’ve accomplished over this past month, for all of the people that you’ve helped and comforted, for all the nights you’ve spent alone pouring your heart out into your duas, may Allah (swt) accept all of it and reward you all immensely for everything, and reserve for each of you a beautiful abode in the highest level of Jannah. May your good words and actions be returned to you a thousand-fold on the Day of Reckoning and may they anchor your scales in favor of spending an eternity in the wondrous Gardens of our Lord.

May Allah (swt) grant you and your families His blessings, protection, provisions, and the very best of opportunities both in this dunya and in the akhira, and may He bring you all together and increase you all in love and happiness both with your close friends and with your families. May this past Ramadan be the month that secures our entry through the gates of Jannah.

Take care and keep safe, insha’Allah!

Hey. Hey you.

YEAH, YOU. LAZILY STUFFING YOUR FACE OVER THERE.

Put the food down, stop chewing, and LISTEN UP!

That’s better.

.

My dear friends, Ramadan is finally here!

Ahhh, yes. Ramadan. That special time of the year where our divinely-ordained worship blossoms into a beautiful month of passionate devotion, rigorous spiritual purification, profound remembrance, deep self-reflection, unshakable inner tranquility, and selfless compassion. A truly blessed time that gives us a much-needed opportunity to rediscover the immaculate wisdom of the Qur’an, to rekindle our relationship with our faith, and to edge ourselves closer to He who fashioned us from clay and dirt.

Or as little Fatima sees it…

“Ramadan’s when I don’t eat any food or candy and have to stop drinking apple juice so I can get a My Little Pony toy on Eid! My favorite pony is Twilight Sparkle- she’s the purple unicorn!“

 

 

Awwwww, those adorable little rascals and their blasphemous innocence!

Anyways, one of the things that make Ramadan truly stand out amongst all the other Islamic Months is its mandate of sawm, or fasting. It’s a built-in rigorous daily spiritual weight-loss program that trims the unsightly chunks of fat off of your iman, and gives you a sizzling hot spiritual form that just might make some of the angels blush (okay, probably not- but wouldn’t that feel pretty awesome?).

Think of Ramadan as the P90X workout routine for your iman- in just 30 days your iman will have abs of steel and pecs so tough that Shaitan’ll feel like a fat little chubby school-kid next to you when he finally pays his bail and gets let out of jail on probation after Ramadan. But that’s ONLY if you’re willing to go the extra mile and give your iman that workout that it so desperately needs this month!

Now, spiritual trimming is wonderful and all- but we know why you’re really here. Just admit it- you’ve been letting yourself go this past year, haven’t you? Sneaking in guilty pleasures every now and then like whole family-size bags of M&Ms, and the weekly midnight 3rd-round dinner meal consisting of the heaviest masala curry known to humankind. I’m looking at you, brothers! All those fattening foods have built up since last Ramadan, and now you’re probably gearing up for a grand feast every night after iftar as a reward for your fasting, hmm?

Keep chewing away, bro. But we here at Muslim Medicine understand. Despite the fact that we fast in Ramadan, our clinical obesity research has actually revealed shocking truths about the reality of our weight gain during this holy month. You might want to ask your kabob roll to leave the room, and tell your philly cheese-steak to cover its eyes. The information below is not for the weak of heart. Well actually it kinda is, since hypertension is a side effect of- okay you get the point. Gist of the matter is- our research is about to blow your mind.

That’s right. You’ve just been fooling yourselves into thinking that fasting would help trim that chubby belly and get you back on the fast-track to getting married (or if you’re already married, getting you back to having your spouse NOT lower their gaze at you out of eye-strain). Now, we know what you’re thinking- hey Muslim Medicine, the data in this chart has no scientific basis, the graph looks completely made-up as if some snot-nosed geeky high-schooler with a basic sense of Microsoft Excel whipped it up in 10 minutes, it measures weight in kilotons which makes so sense at all, and to top it all off, how did you even measure the weight of every single Muslim in the world, and somehow find out what weight they secretly convince themselves they’re at?

That’s a deeply honest evaluation of our clinical research posed as a very fair question, dear reader- and we certainly do welcome these kinds of questions. But this time it’s irrelevant, so we won’t address it. Nice try. Better luck never, since Muslims don’t believe in pure luck.

You’re probably thinking- well fine, you’ve made your case that Ramadan isn’t exactly the automatic weight-loss dream-month that most Muslims convince themselves that it is. So what’s the solution, then? How do I banish my stubborn unsightly fat to the depths of obscurity like Shaitan gets banished every Ramadan?

Fortunately for you, my friends, Muslim Medicine is here to help. This is our 5-step guide to Healthy Ramadan Weight Loss!

1 STOP SPEED-EATING AT SUHOOR

Yeah, yeah, we’ve all heard that familiar excuse- it’s nearly 3 minutes to Fajr, you just woke up and rolled out of bed, and you gotta quickly grab something before time’s up and you’re left hungry and grumpy. So you rip open the kitchen cabinets and stuff yourself full of as many chips ahoy cookies you can lay your hands on, then down a giant glass of milk at Guinness world-record speeds all before the game timer reaches 0 and the referee begins the adhaan. What’s worse than that are the folks who have plenty of time before Fajr, but somehow are still frantically gorging like there’s no tomorrow. You’re chewing furiously all to beat the clock, and to anyone looking at you, it just ‘aint a pretty sight.

Take it easy there, buddy. Suhoor isn’t an eating contest- it’s meant to give you a small energy kick to start your day off, but after you quickly expend that energy, you’re on your own for the remainder of the fast. More food doesn’t necessarily mean more energy, so don’t fool yourself into thinking a 7-course gourmet suhoor meal will carry you all the way to iftar. Take it easy, relax, moderate your intake, and eat just enough to give you strength for a small kick in the morning to get you started on your day, and leave it at that. Trust us, your body will target your fat and start burning that once your fuel starts to run on empty.

2 DON’T THINK ABOUT FOOD

Let’s do a little experiment. I’m gonna put a word here, and you tell me the first thing that comes to your mind as soon as you read it. Are you ready?

Chicken.

I’m almost 99% confident I know EXACTLY what you thought about once you read that word. You were thinking about lamb gyros. Don’t even try to deny it- you had food on your mind, didn’t you? I’m willing to bet that if I wrote “marriage” as the word, the brothers would immediately think about their fantasy future wife’s heavenly cooking, and sisters would immediately conjure up warm thoughts of all the romantic candle-light restaurants their future husbands probably won’t ever take them to out of stinginess. The point is, you’re too pre-occupied with food during Ramadan, and that’s gotta stop.

While fasting, you can’t lose yourself in your day-dreams about the magnificent iftar feast waiting for you at Maghrib time and drooling over the guessing games you play over what kind of delicious dinner awaits you every night. Obsessing over food while you’re fasting is unhealthy and creepy, and points to a deeper dependence on food that you gotta break. Focus your time and efforts on worship and remembrance, and make every effort you can to expel all subconscious thoughts of food and drinks. It’s tough, we know- but in the end, your tummy and your brain will thank you for it.

3 EXERCISE (DUH)

Okay yeah, I know what you’re thinking. “Exercising?! Gee, thanks for the tip, Captain Obvious.” Well you know what, sometimes the most obvious solution is the one most overlooked. So you’re welcome, Lieutenant Sarcasm. The fact that we’re fasting is the single biggest excuse that Muslims always come up with during Ramadan to justify their vegetable lifestyle during this month. Even potatoes get to see more movement than we do during Ramadan since they’re skinned, cut up, and cooked every night.

We’re in a weakened state with low energy reserves while fasting, so it’s understandable that exercising might be dangerous. But we’re not asking you to do Olympic weightlifting- go on 15-20 minute walks outside, take the stairs instead of the elevator, and opt to help with work around the house instead of napping all day. Starting up a light, simple, and consistent workout routine during Ramadan serves as an excellent means of really shaving off that excess weight and shaping you up quite nicely to be a total visual fitnah to the opposite gender after Eid Salah.

4 STOP FEASTING AT IFTAR

Of all the Ramadan enemies that cause your weight-gain, this guy here is the biggest culprit. We’re all guilty of doing this at one point or another during Ramadan- yes, even you, self-denial Masjid-uncle with the dried masala stains on your shalwar and the old grains of biryani from 3 Ramadans ago still imprisoned in your ancient beard. Fasting all day makes even the smallest of iftar morsels taste like the most wonderful food in the world, and your appetite at break time is so voracious that you’re probably ready to inhale the entire dinner table. That’s why we tend to consider iftar to be a rewarding entitlement for us that wipes away the guilt of using construction vehicles to pile on mountains of food onto our plates after we break our fasts.

We gotta cut that out. The point of iftar and the subsequent dinner is to sustain yourself and replenish your strength and energy after a long day’s fast. It’s not meant for you to consume the entire combined food volume of breakfast, lunch, brunch, noon snacks, evening meals, and dinner all at once in one sitting. What was the whole point of you fasting if you’re just going to reward yourself at night with a meal fit for Jabba the Hut?

Just like the rule of thumb we established with suhoor- eat just enough to stop your hunger pangs, and always moderate your intake and choose healthy items. We’re Muslims for crying out loud, not Sumo Wrestlers. No offense to actual Muslim Sumo Wrestlers- your dawah is much needed in Japan, please keep up the good work, masha’Allah.

5 BE MINDFUL OF OTHERS

One of the most oft-forgotten aspects of Ramadan is its strong focus on charity and providing means of support for those less fortunate than you. We tend to limit this solely to monetary forms of charity, which detracts focus from an equally important goal for this month- feeding those less fortunate than us. Our money goes a long way, alhamdulillah, and it’s wonderful that this month opens our hearts along with our wallets as well- but it’s rare that Muslims reach out to soup kitchens, homeless shelters, and orphanages that are all around us. Not to mention parts of our own ummah which are suffering severely from drought, famine, war, and natural disasters. Giving your money for these causes is excellent, but disingenuous when you’re throwing away entire plates and trays of leftover uneaten food every night while other Muslims are clearly starving to death.

Want to know the most sure-fire way of losing weight this Ramadan? Treat each morsel of food that you’ve been blessed with every night as the most precious commodity you can ask for- picture that lavish plate of delicious gourmet goodness sitting in the lap of a starving Somalian girl, or in the hands of a grief-stricken refugee mother of a hungry newborn, and I promise you that you’ll treat your food with a far deeper level of appreciation than ever before, and you’ll certainly think twice before greedily jumping for 2nd, 3rd, and 4th helpings. That crushing guilt becomes even more compounded when you’re approaching the garbage can with a half-eaten plate of food with overestimated portions that you yourself slapped on in the hopes that you’d mindlessly devour it.

Ramadan’s the month of remembrance, so remember your starving brothers and sisters abroad and make an effort to not just throw money at the problem and feel good about yourself, but also make sincere dua that Allah (swt) lifts their suffering and showers mercy upon them.

And there you have it, folks! Be sure to follow this guide for the remainder of this blessed month and we guarantee that you’ll see striking results in no time!

Stop for a moment and focus on your heartbeat. Don't stray from that focus, and try to count your heartbeats. Ask yourself- had Allah (swt) left total control of our own heart to us, would we ever have been able to keep up and focus on maintaining that perfect rhythm and balance of our own heartbeat for even 3 minutes of our life?

The very autonomic nervous system of your body that keeps you perfectly alive and fully functional is a constant, continuous blessing of Allah (swt) of such mind-numbing complexity and depth- that not even a millisecond goes by that Allah (swt) does not command your heart to beat, your lungs to breathe, your stomach to digest, and your internal organs to operate as they should throughout the entire day without you ever knowing nor realizing just how precious each end every one of these organs are to your very life.

And for all of these enormous yet silent blessings, there's one organ in particular that we hardly show any gratefulness for, because it's the one bodily organ that we truly take complete advantage of throughout our entire lives without ever knowing just how critically precious it is to us- our brain.

Admittedly, I myself am incredibly ungrateful- and shamefully so, because Allah (swt), through His infinite wisdom and mercy, showed me the true face of being denied this particular blessing. He showed me a glimpse of His power over our minds, and how humbling His mercy is upon all of us. Most people only hear scary stories about people who are struck with severe dementia and psychosis- those whose minds are warped and twisted to such unfathomable levels of deterioration that they lose their very grip on reality and aren't able to tell what's real from what's imaginary.

And I had met such a person face-to-face.

It was about 2 years ago, during one of my summer medical internships- I was stationed to volunteer in that particular hospital's Psych Ward. It was a guarded, enclosed section of the hospital that had thick steel doors with electronic locks and security cameras placed in every hallway- it felt like a prison, and there was always an eerie atmosphere of silence in the ward. The psych patients undergoing treatment would freely wander the hallways during their free time- they would shuffle slowly and aimlessly with almost soulless expressions on their faces. Some of them would carry conversations with themselves, or repeat strange bizarre actions over and over again.

It was terrifying for me seeing all this for the first time- this was a different fear than what I had experienced before when I saw trauma in the Emergency Room or when I'd watch surgical operations on car accident victims. This was a feeling of uneasiness that I couldn't shake.

I sat in a meeting room with a few other students and the head psychiatrist introduced us to one of the patients in their psych ward. He was an African-American man in his mid-30s or so- well built, and above average in height. You would never have suspected anything was wrong with him if you didn't see him dressed in a patient's gown. He sat before us silently and I could see him scanning us slowly. I glanced down at my notebook, fishing around for some paper, and I was interrupted by his first words to our group:

"Salaamalaikum."

I didn't even realize it- it didn't sink in until a few moments after he said it, that I was shaken with disbelief. I couldn't believe what I had just heard, and when I looked at him, he was staring at me- he clearly directed that salaam to me.

"Wa alaikum salaam."

I replied with a mix of surprise and hesitation. I was clueless as to how he knew I was Muslim. I had a light beard that covered my jawline, but my name-tag was hidden from him, and yet he somehow knew I was Muslim when we had never met before. It wasn't his intuition that had struck me, however- to this day I never forgot what he said to me immediately after I returned his salaam:

"Fatihah, al-Fatihah."

I didn't know how to respond to that. I didn't understand him- why would he say that? Why Al-Fatihah? I was filled with so many questions for this man, but the psychiatrist prompted him first by asking him to tell us a little about himself.

He said he was an undercover government operative- an agent sent to spy on famous Muslim speakers, but he was captured and sent to this psych ward in order to neutralize his mission. He said he was in fact a double-agent who was working on his own, and he specifically mentioned that his primary contact on the outside was Imam Siraj Wahaj- and that he had to go to Brooklyn at all costs in order to notify the good imam of a mysterious conspiracy. He asked us if we could go out and complete his mission for him, and he told us that the government would let him free once the task was completed, so his freedom essentially depended on it.

As ridiculously outlandish as that sounded to us, he kept an absolutely serious face throughout his lecture- he wasn't joking or even exaggerating. There was such conviction and sincerity behind his words that you could tell he truly believed in everything he was telling us. As he became more heated in his tirade about his mission, the psychiatrist kindly stopped him and politely dismissed him from the room.

The doctor than closed the door and turned to us- and the smile he was wearing up until that moment disappeared and he then began to tell us the real history behind this psych patient.

He was born and raised in Brooklyn, NY to a Muslim family that frequented the masajid in the area. The man was known for being aggressive as a child, but everyone thought it was just a phase that he would grow out of. His aggressiveness started to worsen as he grew, and it began to border on strong paranoia- he was brutally lashing out against people out of an innate unexplained fear of being attacked or assaulted. The slightest hint of confrontation directed at him would set him in a wild fit of self-defensive anger.

One day, while he was in the kitchen fixing a sandwich for himself, his mother had entered the room- he was focused on his food and didn't quite notice her presence. She approached him with his back turned, and almost instinctively he felt as if he was about to be jumped from behind, so he grabbed a nearby knife, spun around, and lunged at his own mother. Her shrieks alerted the man's younger brother, who rushed into the kitchen and managed to wrestle the knife out of his hand. No longer equipped with a knife, the man then grabbed his mother's throat and began to strangle her while his little brother frantically called 911.

It was horrible- the more the doctor told us about this man, the more I felt sick to my stomach. The police had arrived in time to save the family, and wrestled the man into handcuffs. At his family's request, he was admitted to a psych ward, and upon examination was diagnosed with a severe form of paranoid schizophrenia. His disease was rapidly eroding his grip on reality, and so his treatment needed to be swift and potent.

After nearly murdering his own mother, his family disowned him- the doctor told us that following his admission as a patient, his family ceased all communication and refused to come during visiting hours. As far as they were concerned, he was better off never coming back, out of fear that he might mentally snap and try to kill another family member again.

I felt compelled to meet with that man again, and so I asked the doctor's permission to sit with him. The doctor granted my request, but warned me never to step behind the patient's back nor make any menacing or confrontational gestures.

I met with the Muslim psych patient again the next day.

He was sitting in the psych ward's art therapy session- a room that eerily resembled a kindergarten classroom, with crayons, markers, and paintbruses lined up against the wall, and whole stacks of childrens books and coloring books laid out on a table. The psych patients would spend 1 hour a day either working on coloring books, or drawing on blank pieces of paper. I sat in the room too, supervising them alongside a few nurses.

The Muslim patient was peacefully coloring in a firetruck- it was so odd watching him do something so childish, but it felt terrifying at the same time, knowing that this man who was innocently coloring in a picture was also the same man that nearly murdered his own mother.

After the session, I was allowed to sit with him one-on-one in one of the conference rooms. Finally, I had the chance to speak with him directly.

This time, I said "as salaamu alaikum" to him, and he only replied with "Fatihah al-Fatihah."

I asked him if he knew surah Fatihah, and he gave me a puzzled look- almost bewildered by what I asked him. I guess he didn't know it at all- or maybe he had forgotten what Fatihah was. Regardless, I pressed a bit further and asked him to tell me a little more about himself.

He started again with his grand delusions- about how he was selected at a young age to be trained as a government agent, and how he was specifically instructed by the government to trust no one, and to consider everyone his enemy. I don't know if he ever actually met Imam Siraj Wahaj, but he mentioned him again as his main contact, and he asked me directly:

"I know you're a Muslim. I need you to take this, and give it to him. He knows who I am, and he knows my mission. He's the only one who can get me out of here. They got me, and they won't let me leave. You have to deliver this for me."

He opened up his personal folder, and I swear to you- I nearly gasped when I saw the contents of it. It was like a horror movie- inside of his folder he had written down hundreds, if not thousands, of little words and numbers all over the inside flaps. The arrangement was random- he had written numbers over words, wrote slanted and crooked sentences that seemed to run right off the edge of the folder, and it looked like a giant mess of graffiti.

He pointed at one of the random sequences of numbers he sloppily penned into the folder flap, and said,

"This is the government's number. Only I know this number, and I have to get him to call this number to get me out of here. Take this number, and give it to him."

I apologized, and I told him I was just an intern in this volunteer program, and that I couldn't possibly do this for him. He was clearly upset that I had turned down his request, and he refused to speak with me after that. He just stared intensely at his folder markings and didn't say anything at all. I wasn't really sure what else to say, so I thanked him for his time, and gave him one last salaam before leaving the room. He didn't reply.

That was the last time I ever saw that man.

According to the psychiatrist, he had been refusing to take his medication for weeks, and his schizophrenic state was steadily worsening, making him a dangerous and risky patient to hold in the psych ward. The hospital was still in the process of contacting his family to receive permission to transfer him to what most likely would be a permanent residence in a specialized psychiatric hospital. My internship ended before I had the chance to see that man again, and it ended before I was able to find out what ultimately became of him.

But despite all that, to this day I have never forgotten him.

Allah (swt) left that man in perfect physical health- his body was in great working order with his heart pumping away, his lungs breathing with ease, and his internal organs working as they always have. But Allah (swt) slowly took from that man a single piece of his overall health- his mind, and from losing that one blessing, that man's life had changed forever. "Fatihah al-Fatihah" and "As salaamu alaikum" became the only semblance of what he still held on to from his deen that others could recognize. And that was perhaps the most jarring observation of all.

Allah (swt) gathered us both together in that conference room to sit one-on-one for 20 minutes- I don't know how much of a benefit it was for that man to meet with me, but I saw that time as a striking reminder of His mercy. It was a reminder of the one blessing I completely took for granted without ever even realizing it nor even understanding how critical it has been for my intellectual growth and social development as a person- my own mind. Through His favor and His mercy alone, He has allowed me to retain my own sanity, and He has graciously preserved my mental health, and has protected me from crippling psychological disease and mental deterioration. Alhamdulillah.

What value could I possibly even begin to place on such a profound blessing from Him?

And if you were to count Allah's favors, you would not be able to number them; most surely Allah is Forgiving, Merciful. [Sūrah al-Nahl: 18]

Sisters! Beware the presence of Calvin Klein magazine catalog male models approaching you for Prom!

Ah yes, Public High School. Despite graduating from there more than 5 years ago, I still remember my senior year like it was just yesterday. Probably because that was one of the most embarrassingly awkward years of my life due to my fobby mustache growing out of control. Back then, it was all about the AP exams, the Regents, the SATs, the ACTs (which no one seemed to ever care about), Greg's pants falling down in the middle of the hallway, David falling off the stage after accepting his diploma, and of course, who could forget Katherine getting OWNED by a bumpy bus ride:

LOL!! HAHAHA!! I mean, astaghfirullah. I should be lowering my gaze.

Ahhhhhhh… …good times, good times.

But amongst all of the things that most High School Seniors look forward to, there's one event that every Muslim guy and girl utterly dreads. Yes, my friends. I'm talking about the annual demonic festival of hormonally-repressed acne-faced youth who nefariously gather to revel in a night of fiendish debauchery in order to expend their youthful vigor in devilish, evil practices that irreversibly corrupt the faith of our community and decay the very moral fiber of our society.

I'm talking about PROM.

Yes… be afraid. Be VERY afraid.

But why is prom bad, you ask? Well, have you ever been to one? Of course not- you were never asked out to the prom before, because you weren't a senior, and because back in the 10th grade you were totally not interested in Jennifer's insanely creepy stalker notes that she left in your locker about how your scraggly beard was "enchanting" and your biryani-stained clothes smelled "heavenly."

Just trust us when we say that for all of the temptations and filth that you have to resist in those High School hallways every day, Prom Night pretty much cranks the haraam-o-meter up to level 15, and the after-prom parties crank up the haraaminess rating to obscenely fitna-tastic levels. It 'aint a pretty sight my friends, and it doesn't get much prettier the day after, so its best to avoid that cesspool of hormones altogether and do something more productive with your Muslim friends like growing beard hairs (not recommended for girls) or putting cute henna designs on your hands (not recommended for guys).

As this fiesta of foulness rapidly approaches at this time of the year and looms eerily over the susceptible heads of our young Muslim high school seniors, it's best to equip yourself with the very best of battle-proven techniques and certified zabihah halaal abilities to ward off the temptations of Prom, and to come up with the perfect escape responses to dodge Prom questions and reject prom advances. Fortunately for you, Muslim Medicine has just the guide to save your Senior year from ending in a blaze of regret!

PROM REJECTION GUIDE FOR BROTHERS

Yeah, we know that awkward feeling, brothers. Every other guy in the school is hooking up with girls for the Prom and you're the sole dude in the class who isn't part of the search team nor even remotely interested in anything going on. Sooner or later they're going to notice, and then it'll be your moment of truth- will you stand your ground and do your part for dawah and defend your chastity and honor as a Muslim man? Or will you try to sneakily find ways of coming up with compelling excuses and dodging their judgmental eyes with well-timed defense mechanisms?

If the dawah method doesn't work, Muslim Medicine has the solution for you guys. Take it from someone who actually got asked out to the Prom in his senior year- I've got a whole swath of sure-fire techniques for you to dodge Prom, and reject date proposals from girls like a professional!

1 STOP GROOMING YOUR FACIAL HAIR

The epic Sunnah-style beard is a universal symbol of masculinity and manhood- and to an unsuspecting girl, a nicely styled and combed beard with well-trimmed edges that behaves due to its mesmerizing bounce and volume as a result of your fancy L'Oreal shampoo and conditioner is a shining beacon of attractiveness that will no doubt entice her to ask you out to Prom. She probably wants to show off your beard to all her friends at Prom Night to make them feel jealous of your epic facial hair. But here's how to protect your beard from unwanted advances- just stop grooming it. Don't cut it, shape it, wash it, or even touch it for 3 months, and watch as your face becomes a powerful Prom repellent!

Nope. There isn't a single girl out there who would even think twice about asking YOU out to the prom once you look like that! …Unless she's just as hairy as you are, in which case that hairy face will probably attract her even more. Watch out for girls like that, they're trouble.

2 STOP WEARING DEODORANT

This is by far the most effective technique of warding off girls from asking you out to the prom, so take special note of this highly-refined and deeply-complex technique, passed down from master and pupil for centuries. The technique requires a level of intense focus and preparation to perform, but we here at Muslim Medicine feel that you have what it takes to make your great escape from awkward Prom date requests. Take your deodorant sprays and/or bars, and carefully toss them in the trash. Then, every day before school starts, go jogging for about an hour around the neighborhood, and work up a good sweat. Then head straight to school without changing clothes or showering.

Trust us on this, NO ONE in that entire school will bother you about Prom again for weeks. Your body odor will kick like Bruce Lee, and your stench will be more offensive than a Danish Cartoon. Problem solved!

3 WEAR A FAKE WEDDING RING AND PRETEND TO BE MARRIED

This is without a doubt every single teenage brother's fantasy come true- finally, a chance to have a legitimate reason to wear a fake wedding ring and pretend to be married in public! We know you've always wanted to do this ever since you were 13, so we're giving you an actual appropriate means of pretending to be married! Is it sad and pathetic on your part? Sure. But does anyone else know that? Nope! And that's the beauty of this anti-Prom date technique.

Girls will instantly be repelled by your fake married-status, and if they're actually brave enough to ask you who you're married to, just tell them she's much prettier than they are, and they'll get offended and walk off (when guys ask you the same question, tell them that she's prettier than they are, too). Your fake imaginary wife will be so flattered you said that about her!

WARNING: depending on how well you convince others (and yourself) of your own marital status, this technique may very well stop you from actually getting married to a real sister later on in life. If this happens to you, we here at Muslim Medicine hope you've got a great imagination, because you'll probably stay married only in your own mind for a long, long, long time.

PROM REJECTION GUIDE FOR SISTERS

Yeah, we know that awkward feeling, sisters. Okay well we don't, since we're all a bunch of guys writing this, but we'll just assume we know what it's like for you. All the girls around you chattering incessantly about who they've got crushes on, and who they want to ask out to prom, and of course the hilarious stories of how the popular girls offer crushing rejections to the geeks and nerds from the Chess and Math Olympics club. LOL, those poor geeks and nerds.

It's great to laugh at, sure- but when everyone starts figuring out you're not going to Prom, and you're not expressing any interest in prom dates or prom dresses, you're gonna start to feel the pressure from the other girls who begin to cast their judgmental and condescending stares at you. That's when it's time to slam your foot down, straighten your hijaab, and tell them like it is!

…and if that doesn't work out, don't worry- that's where we come in. We understand that High School is a tough place for sisters, and Prom time makes things even tougher. So here's 3 sure-fire techniques to repel guys from asking you out to Prom and keep the other girls from harassing you!

1 WEAR A CONVINCING FAKE BEARD

Hahaha! Okay, we're totally kidding with this first one. But can you imagine how ridiculous you'd look wearing a hijaab and having a huge tuft of hair covering your lower face like a hairy niqaab? That's hilarious- but honestly, this would probably be the most POWERFUL guy-repellent in the history of mankind. Maybe a sister who actually has one of these would be a good match for the Wolfman-brother shown above…

2 PUT ON A SCARY NIQAAB

Wearing niqaab already makes sisters look like certified shuriken-wielding ninjas- but putting on the right niqaab style can transform even the most tame hijaabi sister into a ruthless psychopathic horror-movie killer that no high school guy in his right mind would have the courage to ask out to the Prom. How exactly is this done, you ask? Its simple. Just take a look below:

See? 1,2,3 and presto! You've got yourself a sister protected from all sorts of fitna! And that costume makes for great dawah conversation starters, too!

3 BRING YOUR DAD TO SCHOOL

There's only one thing that strikes more pure terror in the hearts of men than seeing a sister dressed up as a costumed horror-movie killer- dealing with her angry dad. Want high school guys to leave you alone, or better yet, ANY guy to leave you alone? Bring your dad to school with you before Prom and watch in giddy glee as he scowls furiously with utter disgust and disdain at all of the poor, unsuspecting guys in your high school.

There isn't a single guy alive who would have the guts to even approach you within a 5 mile radius when you've got an angry dad standing behind you, lest they risk the paternal punishment of getting pulverized by a mountain of over-protective might. Angry dads are one of the most effective anti-fitna tools that sisters have at their disposal to ward off unwanted advances.

WARNING: Do not allow an angry dad to come into contact with a sweet-talking pre-med Muslim student from a great family aspiring to be a doctor. The angry dad technique may completely backfire, and you may very well end up having an even more nerve-wracking situation to deal with than Prom itself.

The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, the bees are buzzing, and the public beaches are chock full o' haraam.

Ahhhhh yes, my good friends- the joy of summer is here once again! It's that lovely time of the year when men and women excitedly don their skimpiest outfits in an effort to proudly showcase their fashion magazine-worthy physiques, complete with pot-bellies, flabby arms, and body fat that would give a Snorlax pokemon nightmares.

But where do Muslims like you and me fit in with this whole summer craze to jump into bikinis and speedos, and show off our chiseled washboard abs? I'm surprised that you asked- why don't you just consider joining in with all that summer fun?

Hahahaha! No.

You just cranked the haraam-o-meter up to blasphemy level 7 there, pal. Grow up.

But all this talk of summer beach bodies does raise an interesting discovery- that for all the scoffs and laughs that we direct towards our pot-bellied American neighbors, we Muslims aren't exactly known for our Olympic athleticism, either. We're usually not honest enough with ourselves to admit it, but underneath our shalwar kamees and jilbabs, we could all burn a little more fat, ya know?  Fortunately for you, our dedicated staff here at Muslim Medicine aren't just physicians- we're also self-certified faqihs in weightlifting and body-building fiqh. How do you earn an ijaaza in that kind of fiqh? That's a good question! I'm glad you asked.

So tell me guys- are you ready to get a body as impressively RIPPED as this one over the summer?

That's right- now THERE'S a physique that would make sisters not only lower their gazes, but burst into uncontrollable laughter at the sight of your sharply toned, cut muscular image. It's bodies like that one up above that put brothers on the fast lane to marriage. Don't believe me, guys? Well, that's because you're trying to understand this article with your brain. Trust us on this, don't use your brain. Immerse yourself in the typical male stereotype and let your muscles do the thinking for you.

This is Muslim Medicine's easy 5-step guide to setting up a SIZZLING SUMMER WORKOUT that will get you to develop the body image that you've always dreamed about, so you can proudly go outside and modestly cover yourself up so that you observe proper haya' and don't excessively reveal your body shape.

1 CHANGE YOUR DIET

The first step is always the most difficult. Put down that bag of cheese puffs, and push aside that double-layer gourmet chocolate mousse cake. All that halaal deliciousness just goes straight to your thighs. Junk-food and desserts taste phenomenal, sure- but they're like a bunch of Masjid uncles waiting for the bathroom- insofar that they just clog everything. Slow chubby believers make for easy prey for Shaitan- so don't let him fatten you up! Balance and moderate your food intake, and build enough courage to shock your friends and say NO to junk food, sugary treats, and fried cheesy fast-food.  

2 STOP HANGING AROUND CHUBBY PEOPLE

Your chubby friends will be a constant trial on you, so defriend then on Facebook and block them on AIM. Nah, just kidding. That's mean. Don't do that. They'll be sad. If you're planning on exercising or dieting, get your friends involved! Even if they don't particularly need it, it's always better to exercise with a friend. If they refuse, then try to bribe them. If they still stubbornly refuse, then sneak into their rooms and steal incriminating items from them to blackmail them. If even that doesn't work, feed them oily fatty foods for months on end until they're sufficiently fat, and then guilt them into working out with you. No matter what method you choose, just make sure they join you in keeping fit!

3 GET ACTIVE!

This is the the most important part of your sizzling summer workout! Sedentary lifestyles and pure laziness breed flabby bodies and increased body fat. So turn the TV off, close your laptop, put down the XBOX controller, and go outside! Play sports, lift weights at the gym, go jogging, or hit up ballet classes and dance. It's your choice- but conquer your laziness and give your body a good workout!

4 BE CONSISTENT

Like taking showers, being active and working out is never a one-time thing. You gotta engage in it on regular intervals to really make an impact on your body! So make a schedule for yourself to be active- but always make sure to stick to it like a grain of rice sticks to a brothers' beard for hours on end until he's awkwardly told to pick it out (and subsequently eat it out of curiosity).

5 HUMBLE YOURSELF

Having a great body image naturally endows you with a strong sense of self-confidence. While that's fantastic and certainly is an amazing feeling, it's important to keep that sentiment in check and not let it get to your head to the point that you begin to become self-obsessed about your personal body image. Just remember that your body's beauty and strength comes from Allah (swt), so be sure to show gratitude for it through your humility!