As salaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu!
Change into a clean pair of scrubs, my friends. Things are about to get messy here, because you’re about to experience a website unlike any other.
Ever been to an Islamic website before? Sure- who hasn’t? Oh right… non-Muslims. Well, ever been to a medical website before? You probably have, if you’re a hypochondriac. Now ask yourself this, my friend… have you ever been to an Islamic medical website before?
Hey… what’s with that bewildered look…?
Before you answer my question with “Islamic Relief’s Medical Aid” – shut up. That answer doesn’t count. It’s not fair.
We’re Muslim Medicine– a site dedicated to the promotion of good health in the Muslim Community. Don’t ask us about our medical credentials, or for our background or prior experience- none of that matters! What matters is our passion, our dedication, and our willingness to offer you only the highest levels of sub-optimal care.
We like to think of ourselves as physicians of the soul, surgeons of the spirit, and nurses of the mind. How come we don’t treat the actual human body? Well… you gotta be licensed to do that, obviously. And we’re… … …yeah. Let’s move on.
Here at Muslim Medicine, we realize that receiving naseeha (advice) is just like receiving medication. It tastes terrible, leaves a bad taste in your mouth, and sometimes your health insurance doesn’t cover it. So what we do is simple- we coat naseeha in a pill-shaped capsule of humor, thus making it easier to swallow and take effect. How does it taste, you ask? See for yourself- you have our guarantee that it’ll feel like Eid is being celebrated in your mouth, and your taste buds will feel like they’re having a nikkah ceremony done with a sister named “deliciousness.”
Are you as creepily excited as this kid is? You better be!
We invite you to browse around to your heart’s content, and take in the vast wealth of ridiculous medical expertise that we offer for free here on this site. We’re confident that you’ll laugh until your wudu is lost, cry like you did back when Mufasa got killed by Scar in Disney’s Lion King, and perhaps even lose 10 pounds like you did last Ramadan. Or was that gaining 10 pounds? I don’t know. What difference does it make anyway if you’re already married? Regardless of all that, there simply is no denying that browsing through our site is an epic journey that you simply must experience for yourself.
The Doctor’s Office: like any regular doctor’s office, we keep a sufficient supply of virtual tongue-depressors and latex examination gloves to make you feel as uncomfortable as possible. All of our equipment is state-of-the-art, cutting-edge, and completely imaginary. There’s no need to feel ill at ease here- we’re pretend medical professionals, after all. What’s there to be scared about?
Thoughts and Reflections: looking for a more serious outlook on medicine and how it impacts the Muslim community? We hear you. Life isn’t all about laughter- it takes deep and profound reflection to truly balance the mind and body, as well as appreciate the blessing of health. Visit the “Thoughts & Reflections” section to get a healthy dose of personal insight.
Online Clinic: this is one of the most crucial services we provide here at Muslim Medicine. Using the “Contact Us” form, you have the ability to submit your medical questions and concerns to us and have them addressed with the highest standards of care, compassion, and professionalism that we can hope to fake. We highly encourage you to contribute!
Pathology Files: explore the huge spectrum of diseases, disorders, syndromes, and pathogens in our “Pathology Files.” Here you’ll find the articulately described “icky-nasty oopy-goopy gross-yucky” part of Medicine that all little kids are scared to find out about. Are you brave enough to venture in…?
Health Guides: Remember back when your mom used to yell at you to always wash your hands, brush your teeth, and clean behind the ears? This is the part of our site that pretty much acts as your virtual mom, telling you to do all the things you were told to do back when you were a kid.
FAQs: According to our extensive research, the acronym FAQ stands for “Farting At Quesadillas.” Enjoy.
About Us: What is Muslim Medicine? Are you kidding me? We just finished explaining all that up above. What kind of attention span do you have?! Well, if you’re itching to find out even more about the history and the mission behind Muslim Medicine, or discover the identities of the brave health professionals who contribute their careers to this job, then brace yourselves and visit “About Us” and “Medical Staff.”
On a more serious note, this is an endeavor that we hope insha’Allah gets you to smile and laugh, while simultaneously giving you issues and challenges to reflect upon, as well as an appreciation of the priceless gift that is the human body. It’s the most unique and creative way that we can come up with to express these thoughts, and on behalf of the entire Muslim Medicine staff, I hope you enjoy it to its fullest!
Remember to smile, everyone- it’s not just therapeutic. It’s Sunnah!