"IF HULK-UNCLE LOSES WUDU ONE MORE TIME, HULK-UNCLE WILL SMASH!"
According to our research, Angry Muslims have been around longer and seem to receive more media attention than Angry Birds do, which has lead to a rather unfortunate stereotyping of Muslims as "chronically angry" people, who seem to shout, scream, riot, and destructively rage over just about anything, despite copious amounts of Prophetic examples to the contrary of how patience and perseverance always provide a better alternative and help preserve self-image and dignity.
"Chronic Anger Disorder" (CAD) is the new medical term that has been coined by us to describe this rather highly contagious disorder, and mostly everyone has started to adopt this terminology, if by everyone you mean just us.
Caused by an entire spectrum of external stimuli, it's difficult to pinpoint the exact cause of chronic anger disorder, as the underlying cause differs from person to person. But one thing is for certain- this is a devastating disorder to both the individual and those in his or her vicinity, and as such requires immediate treatment for acute outbursts to prevent possible emotional and physical damage.
Although CAD seems to be more prevalent in some areas than others, in its most general sense it affects nearly everyone, leading us to classify it as a global pandemic amongst the Muslim Community.
Amongst men and women, however, there is a great deal of controversy as to which gender manifests the disorder more often. Most men are characteristically known for having tempers, widely proven in the landmark 1982 medical study, "male anger levels with respect to loss of TV remote possession."
In lieu of such fake research, even more surprising made-up medical studies were performed on women, such as the infamous 1993 publication on the "Effects of sandwich and kitchen jokes on female anger levels." As a result of the near-fatal injuries sustained by male researches during the course of the study, it was unanimously reported that women harbor an inner rage even more devastating than men, as evidenced by the following profile of a sister patient afflicted with CAD:
"HIJAABI HULK DEMANDS SPECIAL SALE PRICE ON NEW GUCCI HANDBAG OR HIJAABI HULK WILL SMASH!"
Despite its wide prevalence, CAD tends to manifest itself more severely and more acutely in those who have hot tempers and are easily annoyed or offended. Patients predisposed to such risk factors display lowered threshold levels of tolerance for irritating stimuli, and as such are easily provoked into fits of anger.
CAD is considered a highly contagious disorder, as extensive research has shown that individuals exposed to repeated bouts of rage exuded by CAD patients tend to develop symptoms of their own and begin a rapid descent into CAD, almost as a reaction against the initial patient. This situation presents one of the greatest risks, as CAD shows a strong predilection towards mindless violence and senseless rage that nearly always results in emotional damage or physical injury to others.
Risk factors may present at a very early age, as evidenced by this unfortunate youth who is clearly displaying symptoms of a less-severe pediatric version of CAD:
CAD presents with highly-recognizable symptoms, with some of the most common being a rapid change in skin color to a greenish tint, and rather enormous hypertrophy of muscle tone and general body size. For men in particular, nearly all articles of clothing are torn in the process of transformation, however the patient's trousers do remain, as the region from the naval to the knees seem to always remain covered for some odd reason. In women, the same reaction is observed, however the only noticeable changes are seen in their faces, hands, or feet.
Some cases have been presented where a myriad of symptoms developed such as flushing of the face, hypertension, headaches, restlessness, and impaired judgment. As far as Muslim Medicine is concerned, we take the green skin color and the muscular hypertrophy as far more serious indicators of CAD.
CAD can be diagnosed through a number of superfluously complex tests and unnecessary procedures. Often the most diagnostic test can be baiting the patient with an irritating stimuli, and then gauging his or her reaction. This test can take on a number of different styles, depending of course on the patient's history.
Here is a list of currently acceptable methods of testing for the presence of CAD in Muslim patients:
- Presenting an image of Hosni Mubarak to Egyptian patients [100% diagnostically effective- may result in test image being destroyed]
- "Randomly" selecting a Muslim patient for airport security pat-downs [diagnostic exam is approximately 140% awkward for both the patient and examiner]
- Informing a male patient that his wife has maxed out all 4 of his credit cards after returning from a shoe sale at the mall.
- Commenting on a sister patient's recent weight gain [WARNING: examining physician is strongly cautioned, as this diagnostic test may result in severe injury or even death]
- Informing a patient that Pastor Terry Jones will be invited to his or her local Masjid's Islamic book-donation event.
- Requesting a patient to draw an offensive cartoon about Denmark.
- Offering a patient only vegetarian appetizers at a fancy Zabiha Halaal Restaurant.
- Giving a male patient a pre-ordered copy of Justin Bieber's "Never Say Never" on Blu-Ray Disc as an Eid gift.
Due to the severity of an acute DAC episode, treatment for DAC must be given swiftly and immediately to quell worsening symptoms. Prognosis for DAC depends entirely upon the time that treatment is initiated, thus placing a great deal of responsibility upon those immediately near the patient, as well as on the ability of the patient to control his or her own symptoms. The patient is recommended to leave the area of the irritating or offending stimulus to prevent further provocation.
Pharmaceutical treatment consists of orally administering a single 250,000 mg dose of chill pill, taken as needed for anger flare ups. 2 pills may be administered for more severe symptoms, but treatment cannot exceed more than 2 pills, as the side effects of the chill pill become more pronounced, such as excessive relaxation, increased apathy, profound laziness, and a strong desire to climb into refrigerators.
More natural alternative treatments consist of immediate intravenous administration of patience (sabr). For more severe anger flares, the patient is strongly recommended to sit if he or she is standing, and lie down flat if he or she is seated. Furthermore, performing wudu has a therapeutic effect on controlling anger, and subsequently performing salaah nearly extinguishes it, if done with the proper intentions.
In conclusion, despite the potential devastation that may be caused by unrestrained CAD, the disorder thankfully is easy to treat, and even easier to manage with continued social support and reassurance. While more stubborn patients may require the administration of the alternative treatments listed above, essentially all forms of CAD are curable.
Do keep in mind, however, that the global prevalence of CAD amongst Muslims had lead to our stereotyping as a generally furious and ill-tempered people. Don't succumb to this disorder- your patience and fortitude in the face of trials and provocation is truly needed in such troubling times.
The most sound medical advice that we can offer with respect to curing CAD is to always follow the Prophetic example of controlling one's anger- where prevention is always the best form of treatment:
Abu Hurairah, radiyallahu 'anhu, reported that a man said to the Prophet, sallallahu ‘alayhi wasallam:
"Advise me!" The Prophet said, "Do not become angry and furious." The man asked (the same) again and again, and the Prophet said in each case, "Do not become angry and furious." [Al-Bukhari; Vol. 8 No. 137]