Sisters! Beware the presence of Calvin Klein magazine catalog male models approaching you for Prom!
Ah yes, Public High School. Despite graduating from there more than 5 years ago, I still remember my senior year like it was just yesterday. Probably because that was one of the most embarrassingly awkward years of my life due to my fobby mustache growing out of control. Back then, it was all about the AP exams, the Regents, the SATs, the ACTs (which no one seemed to ever care about), Greg's pants falling down in the middle of the hallway, David falling off the stage after accepting his diploma, and of course, who could forget Katherine getting OWNED by a bumpy bus ride:
LOL!! HAHAHA!! I mean, astaghfirullah. I should be lowering my gaze.
Ahhhhhhh… …good times, good times.
But amongst all of the things that most High School Seniors look forward to, there's one event that every Muslim guy and girl utterly dreads. Yes, my friends. I'm talking about the annual demonic festival of hormonally-repressed acne-faced youth who nefariously gather to revel in a night of fiendish debauchery in order to expend their youthful vigor in devilish, evil practices that irreversibly corrupt the faith of our community and decay the very moral fiber of our society.
I'm talking about PROM.
Yes… be afraid. Be VERY afraid.
But why is prom bad, you ask? Well, have you ever been to one? Of course not- you were never asked out to the prom before, because you weren't a senior, and because back in the 10th grade you were totally not interested in Jennifer's insanely creepy stalker notes that she left in your locker about how your scraggly beard was "enchanting" and your biryani-stained clothes smelled "heavenly."
Just trust us when we say that for all of the temptations and filth that you have to resist in those High School hallways every day, Prom Night pretty much cranks the haraam-o-meter up to level 15, and the after-prom parties crank up the haraaminess rating to obscenely fitna-tastic levels. It 'aint a pretty sight my friends, and it doesn't get much prettier the day after, so its best to avoid that cesspool of hormones altogether and do something more productive with your Muslim friends like growing beard hairs (not recommended for girls) or putting cute henna designs on your hands (not recommended for guys).
As this fiesta of foulness rapidly approaches at this time of the year and looms eerily over the susceptible heads of our young Muslim high school seniors, it's best to equip yourself with the very best of battle-proven techniques and certified zabihah halaal abilities to ward off the temptations of Prom, and to come up with the perfect escape responses to dodge Prom questions and reject prom advances. Fortunately for you, Muslim Medicine has just the guide to save your Senior year from ending in a blaze of regret!
PROM REJECTION GUIDE FOR BROTHERS
Yeah, we know that awkward feeling, brothers. Every other guy in the school is hooking up with girls for the Prom and you're the sole dude in the class who isn't part of the search team nor even remotely interested in anything going on. Sooner or later they're going to notice, and then it'll be your moment of truth- will you stand your ground and do your part for dawah and defend your chastity and honor as a Muslim man? Or will you try to sneakily find ways of coming up with compelling excuses and dodging their judgmental eyes with well-timed defense mechanisms?
If the dawah method doesn't work, Muslim Medicine has the solution for you guys. Take it from someone who actually got asked out to the Prom in his senior year- I've got a whole swath of sure-fire techniques for you to dodge Prom, and reject date proposals from girls like a professional!
1 STOP GROOMING YOUR FACIAL HAIR
The epic Sunnah-style beard is a universal symbol of masculinity and manhood- and to an unsuspecting girl, a nicely styled and combed beard with well-trimmed edges that behaves due to its mesmerizing bounce and volume as a result of your fancy L'Oreal shampoo and conditioner is a shining beacon of attractiveness that will no doubt entice her to ask you out to Prom. She probably wants to show off your beard to all her friends at Prom Night to make them feel jealous of your epic facial hair. But here's how to protect your beard from unwanted advances- just stop grooming it. Don't cut it, shape it, wash it, or even touch it for 3 months, and watch as your face becomes a powerful Prom repellent!
Nope. There isn't a single girl out there who would even think twice about asking YOU out to the prom once you look like that! …Unless she's just as hairy as you are, in which case that hairy face will probably attract her even more. Watch out for girls like that, they're trouble.
2 STOP WEARING DEODORANT
This is by far the most effective technique of warding off girls from asking you out to the prom, so take special note of this highly-refined and deeply-complex technique, passed down from master and pupil for centuries. The technique requires a level of intense focus and preparation to perform, but we here at Muslim Medicine feel that you have what it takes to make your great escape from awkward Prom date requests. Take your deodorant sprays and/or bars, and carefully toss them in the trash. Then, every day before school starts, go jogging for about an hour around the neighborhood, and work up a good sweat. Then head straight to school without changing clothes or showering.
Trust us on this, NO ONE in that entire school will bother you about Prom again for weeks. Your body odor will kick like Bruce Lee, and your stench will be more offensive than a Danish Cartoon. Problem solved!
3 WEAR A FAKE WEDDING RING AND PRETEND TO BE MARRIED
This is without a doubt every single teenage brother's fantasy come true- finally, a chance to have a legitimate reason to wear a fake wedding ring and pretend to be married in public! We know you've always wanted to do this ever since you were 13, so we're giving you an actual appropriate means of pretending to be married! Is it sad and pathetic on your part? Sure. But does anyone else know that? Nope! And that's the beauty of this anti-Prom date technique.
Girls will instantly be repelled by your fake married-status, and if they're actually brave enough to ask you who you're married to, just tell them she's much prettier than they are, and they'll get offended and walk off (when guys ask you the same question, tell them that she's prettier than they are, too). Your fake imaginary wife will be so flattered you said that about her!
WARNING: depending on how well you convince others (and yourself) of your own marital status, this technique may very well stop you from actually getting married to a real sister later on in life. If this happens to you, we here at Muslim Medicine hope you've got a great imagination, because you'll probably stay married only in your own mind for a long, long, long time.
PROM REJECTION GUIDE FOR SISTERS
Yeah, we know that awkward feeling, sisters. Okay well we don't, since we're all a bunch of guys writing this, but we'll just assume we know what it's like for you. All the girls around you chattering incessantly about who they've got crushes on, and who they want to ask out to prom, and of course the hilarious stories of how the popular girls offer crushing rejections to the geeks and nerds from the Chess and Math Olympics club. LOL, those poor geeks and nerds.
It's great to laugh at, sure- but when everyone starts figuring out you're not going to Prom, and you're not expressing any interest in prom dates or prom dresses, you're gonna start to feel the pressure from the other girls who begin to cast their judgmental and condescending stares at you. That's when it's time to slam your foot down, straighten your hijaab, and tell them like it is!
…and if that doesn't work out, don't worry- that's where we come in. We understand that High School is a tough place for sisters, and Prom time makes things even tougher. So here's 3 sure-fire techniques to repel guys from asking you out to Prom and keep the other girls from harassing you!
1 WEAR A CONVINCING FAKE BEARD
Hahaha! Okay, we're totally kidding with this first one. But can you imagine how ridiculous you'd look wearing a hijaab and having a huge tuft of hair covering your lower face like a hairy niqaab? That's hilarious- but honestly, this would probably be the most POWERFUL guy-repellent in the history of mankind. Maybe a sister who actually has one of these would be a good match for the Wolfman-brother shown above…
2 PUT ON A SCARY NIQAAB
Wearing niqaab already makes sisters look like certified shuriken-wielding ninjas- but putting on the right niqaab style can transform even the most tame hijaabi sister into a ruthless psychopathic horror-movie killer that no high school guy in his right mind would have the courage to ask out to the Prom. How exactly is this done, you ask? Its simple. Just take a look below:
See? 1,2,3 and presto! You've got yourself a sister protected from all sorts of fitna! And that costume makes for great dawah conversation starters, too!
3 BRING YOUR DAD TO SCHOOL
There's only one thing that strikes more pure terror in the hearts of men than seeing a sister dressed up as a costumed horror-movie killer- dealing with her angry dad. Want high school guys to leave you alone, or better yet, ANY guy to leave you alone? Bring your dad to school with you before Prom and watch in giddy glee as he scowls furiously with utter disgust and disdain at all of the poor, unsuspecting guys in your high school.
There isn't a single guy alive who would have the guts to even approach you within a 5 mile radius when you've got an angry dad standing behind you, lest they risk the paternal punishment of getting pulverized by a mountain of over-protective might. Angry dads are one of the most effective anti-fitna tools that sisters have at their disposal to ward off unwanted advances.
WARNING: Do not allow an angry dad to come into contact with a sweet-talking pre-med Muslim student from a great family aspiring to be a doctor. The angry dad technique may completely backfire, and you may very well end up having an even more nerve-wracking situation to deal with than Prom itself.