Online Clinic Session 1: A Hijab Well Done

 

Welcome to the Online Clinic, where the patient complaints are fake and our doctors’ medical degrees are even faker. Muslim Medicine is proud to offer a HIPPA-violating public medical consultation for its very first patient, who just so happens to be a sister!

Sister “Deeply Concerned” writes:

Dr. O, I’ve developed a condition that I’m concerned about. It seems that no matter what, I always seem to have a hijab on. I take one off, and there’s another one, and underneath that is another one. Does this happen with boys and their topis as well?

 

Thank you for your submission, Sr. Concerned!

Before I offer my opinion on your condition, I do want to let you know that I have extensive experience with hijabs, niqabs, jilbabs, burqabs, and kababs. While some might consider a grown man checking himself out in a mirror while wearing headdresses disturbing and haram, I prefer to think of it as clinical research. There’s a serious lack of scientific inquiry into the field of hijab-related pathology, but we here at Muslim Medicine are making great strides in advancing obscure treatment modalities for sisters such as yourself.

 

The symptoms you’re describing are classic for what we in the health profession like to call “hyperactive hijab growth syndrome.” Don’t be alarmed, it’s really not as bad as it sounds, especially since we just made it up. You see, with regards to outwardly expressions of Islamic modesty, sisters specifically have hijab and brothers respectively have their beards. In the same manner that brothers’ beards grow naturally on their own, recent research findings have demonstrated that the same natural growth parallel is also found in sisters’ hijabs as well.

According to the research study, which was compiled solely by men who have no female family members, a vast majority of sisters are never seen without their hijabs on, and the men in that study never witnessed them actually putting it on or taking it off- a clear observation that is shockingly similar to that of our own manly facial hair. Therefore, it can only logically be concluded that sisters must naturally grow their head-coverings, just like our beards. And the condition you’ve described here, Sr. Concerned, is obviously a hyperactive form of this growth.

 

In the same way that a man’s beard grows to enormously ridiculous levels if left alone for decades, so too is the case for sisters’ hijabs. Like air conditioner filters, hijabs should be replaced at least once a month, otherwise sisters may run the risk of developing hyperactive hijab growth symptoms. The following diagram offers a breakdown of the symptomatic stages of hyperactive hijab growth:

 

Sisters (and creepy brothers who wear hijab), there’s no need to fear Hyperactive Hijab Growth Syndrome- unless you’ve already reached Stage 3, in which case I’d recommend a good travel agent to Egypt. I hear the pyramids there are always looking to hire new mummies.

The treatment for Hyperactive Hijab Growth in either Stage 1 or Stage 2 is rather straightforward, but must be performed by a licensed female surgeon (I personally wouldn’t recommend going to unlicensed female surgeons)- it requires delicate but precise surgical removal of the hijab, making sure that all traces of the fabric are removed. Another hijab will still appear underneath, but this one can be manually removed with ease and replaced by one of your own hijabs, thus leading to a full recovery.

 

It’s always medically sound advice to take good care of yourself by monitoring your own health closely! The best kind of medicine is always preventative- and in that regard, the best way to prevent Hyperactive Hijab Growth is to make sure that you consistently replace your hijab, and never wear a single hijab continuously for longer than 2 weeks without ever taking it off to clean or replace it.

Another highly suggested medical recommendation I’d make for sisters afflicted with Stage 1 of this condition is to continuously keep taking your hijabs off- just as Sr. Concerned discovered, another one will appear on your head regardless, so keep taking them off until you amass a sizeable collection, and then feel free to sell them to make a nice profit.

To answer your question about brothers’ topis- men usually never wash their hats, it’s somewhat of an unwritten code of manliness that we must strictly adhere to. But we don’t run the same risk of developing Hyperactive Topi Growth because that just sounds ridiculous and no one would take that kind of syndrome seriously. Hyperactive Beard Growth, however, is another story…

Oh and by the way, just in case you were wondering…

Sister Barbie turned out just fine.

Interested in having your submission be a part of Muslim Medicine’s Online Clinic series? Be sure to check out our Online Clinic Welcome page by clicking HERE to learn how! We look forward to treating you soon!